Valentine’s Day & Grief; It’s All About the Relationship

Jennifer White, M.A., AMFT

The last few weeks have been heavy with grief, from the tragic wildfires in Los Angeles to the devastating plane collision in D.C. and the ongoing political turmoil.

The impact of all of this grief is with me as I look ahead to February and anticipate the pressure of Valentine’s Day that many of my grieving clients feel. Over the years, I have found that Valentine’s Day is a holiday that can sneak up on grievers. Often dismissed as trivial, Valentine’s Day can unexpectedly become a painful reminder of relationship loss. The day focuses on romantic relationships, but can also evoke memories of relationships with parents, siblings, friends and places that we are grieving. 

Valentine’s Day is all about relationships, and I’m reminded, so is grief work. 

Just as Valentine’s Day can unexpectedly bring grief to the surface, so too can the ways we talk about loss. Often, society focuses on how a person died, rather than the depth of the relationship left behind.However, we miss out on meaningful conversations around loss when we focus too much on how someone died and not enough on the relationship with the person who died. We can learn so much when we are curious about the relationship a griever had with their person. Of course it is important to know that a daughter is grieving her mother who died from cancer, but it is vital to know how that grieving daughter experienced her relationship with her mother. It’s important to know that a wife lost her husband to suicide, but it is equally as important to understand how that wife felt in the relationship with her husband. When we are given the honor of being someone’s companion through their grief it is the relationship that will illuminate the path forward.

For those supporting grievers out in the world it can be as simple as asking someone about their relationship with their loved one. For those of us working with grievers clinically we can focus on relationship timelines or use EMDR to process core beliefs developed within the relationship. 

Sometimes, people ask me if my work as a grief therapist is 'depressing.' In reality, it’s the opposite—I have the privilege of hearing about the most meaningful relationships in people’s lives.Every case is as unique as the relationship and while treatment might be informed by the way their loved one died, it is much more important to me to uncover what the relationship meant to the person who continues to live. I often get to hear stories filled with love, and even when love, safety, or security were absent, the relationship still holds deep meaning. As we leave behind this painful January and enter a month that celebrates relationships, I find myself picturing families returning to the places where their homes once stood. I wonder: What was their relationship with their home? With the possessions inside? With the community around them? 

I’m holding in mind the touching tribute video created by figure skaters at The Skating Club of Boston, many of whom lost loved ones in the D.C. plane crash. The video is a powerful expression of the surviving skaters’ relationship with those they lost and their community.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, society encourages us to focus on love and relationships. Let’s remember to do the same for those who are grieving.